man with messenger bag looking towards the sea
  • CAST
  • Maya — 20s
  • Oliver — 30s

(Patio. Maya walks up with some Trulys)

MAYA: They were out of Nyquil, but I brought your other favorite flavor: Cotton Candy!
(Maya opens a can and gives one to Oliver)

OLIVER: Thanks. Sorry there’s no coasters, I needed to make some money fast.

MAYA: I thought you got paid yesterday! You’re usually so good with money.

OLIVER: Yeah, but my new girlfriend ran into some money problems and I had to wire her some.

MAYA: New girlfriend! Whoa! Didn’t you and Squayna just break up last week?

OLIVER: No, it’s been thirteen days. Well, 27 if you start from when she moved in with Squoliver. But I’m SO much better now! I’m not even thinking about her. Estrella is hotter, nicer, and barely even balding. We’re so happy. It’s like she was made for me. Look!
(Oliver hands Maya his phone. Maya begins scrolling. Slowly, her brow gets more and more furrowed.)

MAYA: Umm. And you’ve met her?

OLIVER: No, she keeps getting sick, traveling, or having family over. But we’ve been texting nonstop for ten days! She’s perfect. We have so much in common! We basically grew up on the same street, we had the same first car, and our mothers’ maiden names even rhyme!

MAYA: Oliver. Ollie.. Friendo… You remember how excited you were when you and Jayna got into Amway? —How much money have you sent her?

OLIVER: Not that much! My credit card limit covered most of it. And we like to think of it as a down payment on our future, not a boat.

MAYA: Oliver, Please no. Tell me you can stop that payment. She’s not real. You’re very OBVIOUSLY being catfished.

OLIVER: That’s ridiculous! If I was being catfished, she would have asked to share MY bank account, rather than have my direct deposit go straight into hers.

MAYA: Listen, I know the past year has been tough, but maybe you shouldn’t be trying to date. Maybe you need time to get to be by yourself?

OLIVER: Maya. Are you… jealous? You know we would never have worked. You’re with Diego and, to be honest, I’ve never seen you that way. Maybe if you gained a little weight in your ankles.
(Maya grabs the phone and waves it at Oliver.)

MAYA: I am not jealous! Look at these pictures. They’re AI! That’s not even the same woman! This one was cut out of a magazine… And this one still has the watermark from Foxxx Modeling!

OLIVER: She’s trying to become an actress! She’s really good at changing her makeup and number of fingers, depending on what the role is. Besides, that’s her agency. They’ve represented some of the greats! Jade Jaxx, Luna Rain, Octavia Red..

MAYA: You just don’t belong together, Diego, listen to yourself–

OLIVER: –Oliver.

MAYA: –Right. Oliver. She’s not what you think she is.

OLIVER: Oh, come on! Listen to YOURself. This is the first example of a successful relationship you’ve seen since your step father married that anime pillow and you’re lashing out!

MAYA: No. I mean, it’s not about me. I’m trying to help. You’re just not seeing it because you don’t want to!

OLIVER: I bet Diego doesn’t even know why you insisted your honeymoon be in a Blue state! Should you even be drinking, by the way?

MAYA: Pfft! If Diego can lie about having a vasectomy, I can lie about how much paint I need to huff before I come home.

OLIVER: See? You guys have a horrible dynamic and you’re just projecting it onto me. Maybe every time you point a finger, you should look at the accusation in the mirror.

MAYA: What?
Diego and I are seeing two different therapists right now! The last one even prescribed us medication. We talk about everything, and most of it is even true. This is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. MEANwhile, you’ve been cuckolded. Twice! And by the same guy!

OLIVER: Actually, they made a throuple. It’s all part of the same overall cuckolding. But I made sure it wouldn’t happen with Estrella. She says she’s only attracted to spotty facial hair and receding gumlines.

MAYA: (Therapy voice)
Oliver. You’re my friend. I acknowledge and appreciate that you feel strongly about this woman. I FEEL I have your best interests in mind. I would really appreciate it if you could pause, sit in the emotion, and try to feel how I feel for a moment.

OLIVER: You sound like that time you were training Duke to bite groins.

MAYA: I hear what you’re saying about my relationship and accept that it is unconventional. Perhaps we haven’t worked everything out. I also accept that you mean well for me and toward me.

OLIVER: Actually, you sound like when Jayna told me she wanted to see better people.

MAYA: Do you have any worries about Estrella, at all?

OLIVER: NO! Well… I mean. I guess I was always curious as to why she was only responsive during work hours in Karachi.

MAYA: Just take care of your heart. That’s all I’m asking.

OLIVER: I appreciate that. If I don’t meet her before December, I’ll definitely try to encourage her to explain.
Hey, I just realized. Where’s Diego?

MAYA: Oh, on weekdays, he spends the night with Squayna’s throuple. But it’s okay. He promises he doesn’t enjoy it.

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