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I can’t believe they gave me a ticket. I paid the meter! I paid one of the meters, anyway. And why should I pay for a second one? I only parked one car! Do you know who gives those tickets? You should spit in their coffee if they ever come here. Like I’m not going to double…

“A crook can get in. A lock is for an honest man.” -Tim Harder, the guy installing my security system.

“Chimp intelligence is based on mistrust; human intelligence is based on trust.” – D.S. Wilson May 22, 2010

“As my sidekick she has to be there for me, but I never have to be there for her. Robin is always there to save Batman, but who cares about Robin? I mean, if she gets caught or killed, I just get a new sidekick.” –Daniel Davenport on his sidekick “Front”

“I really want her to not hate me, but I also really want her to shut up.  You can understand the bind I’m in.” — Me to my friend Frank

“We don’t want any drunk people here.  So if you’re at this party and you’re drunk, I want you to get in your car right now and drive home.” — Frank Jagear

“You can’t have my sperm!  I need it!” — Me, two days ago, to a lesbian in Alaska.

“you’re so good at making fun of poor people.  it’s impressive.” — Bre K. November 12, 2008