Quote
Plucked from real life.
The Unhelpful Bro
“Where were you in class today, bro? I almost signed you in.” “Sucks about getting hit in the nuts, bro. And your socks don’t match, either.” “Bro, that chick two
Character Monologue #1
I can’t believe they gave me a ticket. I paid the meter! I paid one of the meters, anyway. And why should I pay for a second one? I only parked one car! Do you know who gives those tickets? You should spit in their coffee if they ever come here. Like I’m not going to double…
I never met an honest man
“A crook can get in. A lock is for an honest man.” -Tim Harder, the guy installing my security system.
A quote that’s better than true
“Chimp intelligence is based on mistrust; human intelligence is based on trust.” – D.S. Wilson May 22, 2010
“Holy Unforgiving Employers, Batman!” – Jason Todd
“As my sidekick she has to be there for me, but I never have to be there for her. Robin is always there to save Batman, but who cares about Robin? I mean, if she gets caught or killed, I just get a new sidekick.” –Daniel Davenport on his sidekick “Front”
Explains pretty much explains every story I’ve ever written.
“Every story in a man’s life is like a dot in an impressionist painting.” –Ted Mosby, voiced by Bob Saget, written by Carter Bays in the show How I met your Mother
I think I just misquoted myself
“I really want her to not hate me, but I also really want her to shut up. You can understand the bind I’m in.” — Me to my friend Frank
He is such an upstanding citizen
“We don’t want any drunk people here. So if you’re at this party and you’re drunk, I want you to get in your car right now and drive home.” — Frank Jagear
You don’t even want to know…
“You can’t have my sperm! I need it!” — Me, two days ago, to a lesbian in Alaska.
Oppressing others is very hard work
“you’re so good at making fun of poor people. it’s impressive.” — Bre K. November 12, 2008
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Ironically, he didn't see it coming.