Burning Man

• CAST
• Ash – 20s
• Hubcap – 30s
• Turdfeather – 60s
• Diego – 30s

(Unpacking)

Ash: Thanks for letting me tag along to Burning Man with you, Maya.

HUBCAP: Shh! Do you want to get kicked out of the Orgydome?? My Burning Man name is Hubcap.

TURDFEATHER: Yeah, not to mention that it’s bad luck to speak without rolling around in the dirt firs

(A pause. Ash slowly lays down, then rolls around in the dirt.)

DIEGO: Turdfeather, that was mean! You should at least have let him step outside of the Giardia grounds!

ASH: Turdfeather? Hubcap? What’s your Burning Man name?

DIEGO: It’s “Diego.” But it’s not spelled or pronounced in the way you think.

ASH: D-I-E-G-O?

DIEGO: Oh snap! You got it! I guess I’m just used to people here learning my name while deep into Ego Death.

TURDFEATHER: Ego Death is Id Life, Baby!

ASH: Does it seem weird to you all that we’re out in native lands, assigning names like a bad stereotype of Native American culture?

DIEGO: It’s worse, actually. For every name we take, they lose one.

TURDFEATHER: The barter system at work.

HUBCAP: (considering) I don’t think that’s right

ASH: How does one get a Burning Man name?

TURDFEATHER: It’s usually your worst kink combined with your best.I was given “Turdfeather” by some vanilla squares.

HUBCAP: And it’s a “Burner” name. Burners. Everyone is a Burner here. Except for the Burnest.

DIEGO: Yeah, Bless him.

HUBCAP: He’s the man we burn alive as a sacrifice to the god of STDs.

ASH: You burn a human being alive?? What kind of Shirley Jackson’s “Lottery” shit is that?

TURDFEATHER: No, it’s not a lottery. The lottery is what we call when we mix up all of the drugs and you have to take whatever you draw randomly.

ASH: I definitely don’t want to do that. In fact, I think I’ll stay sober for at least the first day.

DIEGO: Oh, shit. You better stop drinking that water, then. And try to do your best to pee uphill.

TURDFEATHER: It’ll be all right. Just close your eyes and try not to think about whether your father was capable of loving you in a way that seemed meaningful to you. That’s what always freaks me out. That and the anxiety that you’ll never know what your brain chemistry would have been had you not started down this path.

(Ash looks shocked.)

HUBCAP: Don’t let him mess with you. But for real, I’d avoid anywhere public. It’s real Purge-like at 10 o’clock.

TURDFEATHER: (smiling sinisterly): Yeah… Consent is for the daytime.

DIEGO: Stick around the camp for a bit. At least until you get your bearings. And try to have most of your orifices covered.

TURDFEATHER: Especially here in Cucktown. Everyone’s wives are stepping out.

HUBCAP: You don’t have to worry about that, though.

DIEGO: Bless.

TURDFEATHER: Thank god.

ASH: What do you mean? Why not?

DIEGO: Yeah, they’re all reserved for the Burnest.

DIEGO: The Burnest?

HUBCAP: Why else would someone sacrifice themselves to become the Burning Man?