CAST
- Young Oliver – 10
- Oliver – 30s
- Old Oliver – 70s
- The Archangel Gabriel – 6000s
(Sitting at the edge of a pier, bottle in hand.)
OLIVER: I wish they hadn’t repossessed my gun’s trigger. It would make everything so much easier. Still: nobody is going to miss me..
(Oliver looks at a letter he wrote.)
And there’s a typo. Whelp, I’d better not read it again or I’ll notice more.
YOUNG OLIVER: Oliver, stop!
OLIVER: Mom?? Oh, no, it’s just my inner child. I thought my mom had finally responded to my friend request.
YOUNG OLIVER: No, she didn’t want her friends to know you existed. You remember how we always had to come in through the back door?
OLIVER: Oh yeah. And then it turned out I was squatting all summer after she moved out and forgot to tell me?
YOUNG OLIVER: Wait, what? That hasn’t happened yet… Do you get back in touch with her?
OLIVER: Soon, I hope. She’s on all my DNR paperwork. (Holds up his letter.) So, young me. Is there any reason I shouldn’t go through with this?
YOUNG OLIVER: Um… Okay, how about this? Won’t your kids miss you? They must be in college by now, but everyone needs a dad!
OLIVER: I don’t have any kids. The doctor says my sperm just lie there.
YOUNG OLIVER: Your wife will miss you! Did you marry Becky? Is she a supermodel now?
OLIVER: No, Becky punched me in the penis during Senior Prom when I asked her for the time. I’m not married. I thought I was, recently, but it turns out I’d just signed away my Power of Attorney.
YOUNG OLIVER: Oh. Wow. But you’re still important! You’re probably the youngest president/actor/super hero around!
OLIVER: My job is to announce the DMV wait time. They’re thinking of replacing me with disappointment.
YOUNG OLIVER: Oh, wow. Maybe you’re right. Can I also sign that letter?
OLD OLIVER: Olivers, stop!
YOUNG OLIVER: Dad??
OLIVER: No, it’s just us from the future.
YOUNG OLIVER: Oh, I thought our dad had finally…
OLD OLIVER: Come back from getting cigarettes? No, that was a lie. He actually went to go run around and live in a farm up state.
YOUNG OLIVER: But he’d promised! He said that as soon as he got back, he would teach me how to smoke.
OLIVER: So, are you here to stop us from killing ourselves? Tell us how our lives eventually get better?
OLD OLIVER: To be honest, I always come to this pier when I want to end things, too. We are the same person, you know.
(Old Oliver holds up a letter, “DMR” is scratched out and replaced with “DNR.”)
YOUNG & REGULAR OLIVER: Oh. Yeah..
OLIVER: Still, now that you’re here, maybe we can turn things around? Do you know the winning lottery numbers?
OLD OLIVER: I tried memorizing them, but my memory has been bad ever since I participated in the experimental arm of that CTE study.
OLIVER: I can just avoid that!
OLD OLIVER: No, you already did it, you just don’t remember.
OLIVER: Oh.
YOUNG OLIVER: I can just avoid that!
OLD OLIVER: Avoid what?
YOUNG OLIVER: Hmm… Are YOU married?
OLD OLIVER: Hahaha… oh, wow. Oh, my. Oh no no no. Nonono. Nonono. Wait, yes.
OLIVER: What? To who??
OLD OLIVER: Do you remember Becky? The one that spread the rumor about your penis being an innie during college?
YOUNG OLIVER: (Excited, then confused) Yeah?? Wait, what?
OLIVER: (Remembering) Yuuuup. Did she apologize?
OLD OLIVER: No, in fact, she catfished you pretty terribly for a long while. But, along the way, you marry to help someone with their immigration status. It backfires and you lose your citizenship, instead.
OLIVER: Oh.
(Oliver offers Old Oliver a drink of his bottle.)
OLD OLIVER: No, thanks, I don’t want to get your germs
ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Olivers, Stop!
OLIVERS: Becky??
ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: No, it’s me, the Archangel Gabriel.
OLIVERS: Oh.
ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: I’m here to stop you. Your life has meaning. You’re a cautionary tale for everyone who knows you! The people God really cares about, like Becky.
Ironically, he didn't see it coming.