Waiting Room

CAST

• Doctor
• Donna
• Anthony
• Mr. Martin
• Margret
• Vending Machine Man

A Hospital Waiting Room

ANTHONY: Excuse me, I’ve been here for four hours. How backed up is this place?

DONNA: (distracted) Insurance information. Please fill out both sides.

ANTHONY: I already filled out that sheet. And the other one. What is taking so long?

DONNA: It’s a very busy day.

Crickets sound. Anthony is flabbergasted.

MARGRET enters

MARGRET: Hi Donna!

DONNA: Margret!

MARGRET: I brought you some bon-bons.

DONNA: Gurl, you know I’m sticking to my points today.
(Waits a half beat)
Oh, the hell with it. How many calories can a lardcake have?

ANTHONY: It’s not the calories, it’s the saturated fat.

Donna gives him a look, eating her cupcake slowly.

MARGRET: Can I go in? I’m trying to score meds

DONNA: Gurl, ain’t no problem. Go to one.

ANTHONY: What?

MARGRET: Should I do any paperwork?

DONNA: Pfft! I got it!

Margret exits.

ANTHONY: What was that?

DONNA: (bored) Insurance information.

ANTHONY: I already filled that out!

DONNA: Both sides?

ANTHONY: You know the saying “time heals all wounds?” I think that’s this hospital’s entire treatment plan.

The doctor exits with Margret.

DOCTOR: –And that’s why it’s important to realize that the mouth isn’t the only orifice you can use to make someone throw up.

DONNA: Mr. Martin? Mr. Martin?

ANTHONY: I’m literally  the only person here. Who the hell is ahead of me in line?

A man enters.

DONNA: Mr. Martin?

VENDING MACHINE MAN: No, I’m just here to fill up the vending machines.

Mr. Martin comes out of the bathroom.

MR. MARTIN: Oh, was that my name? That was SO fast. I didn’t even have time to carve my name on the toilet seat.

Donna leads him to the other room. Anthony turns to the Vending Machine Man

ANTHONY: Can you believe this? I’ve been here for four hours! How was that guy in the bathroom the whole time?

VENDING MACHINE MAN: Things get harder to do when you get older.

ANTHONY: That hard?

VENDING MACHINE MAN: If he’s lucky.

Doctor exits with Mr. Martin

DOCTOR: You can’t really tell the difference between the name brand suicide tabs and generic, but people love that logo.

VENDING MACHINE MAN: Hey doc, how you know if you have tennis elbow?

DOCTOR: Why don’t you come on back?

VENDING MACHINE MAN: Are you sure? This guy has been waiting for like 40 minutes.

ANTHONY: Four hours!

DOCTOR: Just fill out your insurance information and I’ll see you soon.

DONNA: Both sides.

Anthony gets angry.

ANTHONY: Are you kidding me? Am I in a sketch??

DONNA: Insurance information?

ANTHONY: I… I have no words.

DONNA: Don’t you, now?

Doctor exits with the Vending Machine Man.

DOCTOR: –-medical science just doesn’t understand elbows yet. So you can see why we had to amputate. Just take some aspirin and call me in the morning.

VENDING MACHINE MAN: Thanks, Doc!

Doctor turns to Donna.

DOCTOR: Are we done? Can I take my break now?

DONNA: Yeah, I think that’s pretty much it. It’s been pretty empty.

ANTHONY: Hey! Sorry, am I invisible? I’ve been waiting for four hours, here!

DONNA & DOCTOR (Simultaneously): Insurance information?

ANTHONY: Oh, my god!

DONNA, DOCTOR, and ANTHONY: Both Sides?

DOCTOR: It’s okay, I guess I can see him. What seems to be the problem?

ANTHONY: Oh, my god. Thank you! Thank You. Jeez. This place is ridiculously busy. All right. I just, really, really needed someone to validate my parking.

DOCTOR: Oh, we don’t do that here. You have to wait in the next room. Warning: the waiting time can be pretty long.

ANTHONY: It’s okay, I won’t mind.