Temptation Toilet II

CAST

• Mieke – 20s
• Ash – 20s
• Joey – 20s
• Nicky – 20s
• Alex – 20s

(Alex Enters. All other characters are milling around.)

ALEX: Hey everybody, I’m Alex. I just got added to the show.

MIEKE: (Spits) Mieke. In home country, hello is sign of disrespect. Spitting more polite.
(To the audience)
Spitting also sign of disrespect. But less so.

JOEY: Joey, nice to meet you.
(Joey walks up to the audience.)
Nice enough guy. Though he gives off a pretty gay vibe. I’m a good Christian. He’d better keep his vibes to himself!

ALEX: What?

ASH: And I’m Ash.
(To the Audience)
I was happy with that. I said my name clearly and calmly, even though I desperately needed to use the restroom.

ALEX: What are you all doing?

MIEKE: In home country testimonials filmed separate.
(To the audience)
But spoil survivors.
(Shrugs)

ALEX: Are you… are we recording testimonials in real time? In front of each other?

NICKY: Oh, great. He’s a fucking idiot, too.
(To the audience)
I ain’t here to make friends.
(To Joey)
I ain’t here to make friends. I’m here cuz the Hawk Tuah girl stole my fifteen minutes.

ASH: Ignore Nicky. This is a single-camera show. I think it’s supposed to be stylized, but it’s probably just cheap. You’ll notice this is all one big room and the toilet is right in the middle.
(To the audience)
ohgodohgodohgod, why are people still standing around?? I could make a run for it if everyone could just look away for a minute.

NICKY: Just shit already.
(To the audience)
I’m going to put a turd in their pillow just to fuck with them.

ALEX: Okay, I’m pretty sure that’s a crime.

NICKY: Pfft! I ain’t here to get paroled!
(To the audience)
Ain’t no such thing as bad publicity, but snitches get stitches.

ALEX: That’s literally a camera! You’re snitching on yourself!
(To Ash)
And if you really have to go to the bathroom, we can all just look away.

ASH: Yeah, Mieke!
(To the audience)
How did he know? Was I being that obvious? Oh-god, why-oh-why did I drink that Caramel Macchiato Extra Big Gulp?

MIEKE: Is okay, meals go to parasite first, then me.
(To the audience)
Come Shaknarshka, big parasite feast for all!

ALEX: What country are you even from?

MIEKE: It one you no can pronounce. Need fewer teeth. Winnemucca.

ALEX: This is crazy. Am I crazy?

JOEY: It messes up the edit to reply too directly to everybody’s asides. You kinda have to just roll with it.
(To the audience)
I wish he would stop hitting on me. I should let him know I have standards.

ALEX: Hey! Wait, sorry. No response. I’m new to this.

MIEKE: Is okay. I took long time to understand rules, too.
(To audience)
In home country, women wear bottoms.

NICKY: Pfft! I ain’t here to make you comfortable.
(To the audience)
I’m here to fall in love..
(A single tear rolls down her cheek.)

(Suddenly, the lights go down.)

JOEY: Is someone unzipping??

ASH: Oh god, that’s a number two!

NICKY: We all ate the same thing. What is wrong with your stomach???

(Lights Return. The toilet is befouled.)

ALEX: What just happened?

ASH: The lights are on motion detectors. Some people make it a habit to race to the toilet in those moments.
(To the audience. Sits down, frowning)
Darn it! I missed my window! … and… Now it’s too late.

NICKY: It wasn’t me. I like taking my time to shit. Hell, I’ll do it in front of you right now.
(To the audience)
Wouldn’t be the first time I shit to prove a point. Nobody is gonna tell me to close the door in My Own Damn House.

ALEX: If it wasn’t the person who needs to go to the bathroom and it wasn’t you, who was it? I just got here!

MIEKE: Not me. I must conserve mass for winter.
(To the audience)
Others’ mass also. Good for fire. Bad for pillow. So-so gift.

JOEY: I guess we’ll never know.
(To the audience, smiling, winking)
Oh, we might have our suspicions. But there’s no way to know for sure.

ALEX: It was very clearly you, Joey.

JOEY: (To the audience)
Okay, it was me. I just had to do something to push him away…
The sexual tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

ALEX: (Sighs)
Oh, all right.
(To the audience)
Everyone here is an idiot. Still. Joey wasn’t wrong about the sexual tension..