Temptation Toilet II

yellow and black tissue roll

CAST

  • Mieke – 20s
  • Ash – 20s
  • Joey – 20s
  • Nicky – 20s
  • Alex – 20s

(Alex Enters. All other characters are milling around.)

ALEX: Hey everybody, Iā€™m Alex. I just got added to the show.

MIEKE: (Spits) Mieke. In home country, hello is sign of disrespect. Spitting more polite.
(To the audience)
Spitting also sign of disrespect. But less so.

JOEY: Joey, nice to meet you.
(Joey walks up to the audience.)
Nice enough guy. Though he gives off a pretty gay vibe. Iā€™m a good Christian. Heā€™d better keep his vibes to himself!

ALEX: What?

ASH: And Iā€™m Ash.
(To the Audience)
I was happy with that. I said my name clearly and calmly, even though I desperately needed to use the restroom.

ALEX: What are you all doing?

MIEKE: In home country testimonials filmed separate.
(To the audience)
But spoil survivors.
(Shrugs)

ALEX: Are youā€¦ are we recording testimonials in real time? In front of each other?

NICKY: Oh, great. Heā€™s a fucking idiot, too.
(To the audience)
I ainā€™t here to make friends.
(To Joey)
I ainā€™t here to make friends. Iā€™m here cuz the Hawk Tuah girl stole my fifteen minutes.

ASH: Ignore Nicky. This is a single-camera show. I think itā€™s supposed to be stylized, but itā€™s probably just cheap. Youā€™ll notice this is all one big room and the toilet is right in the middle.
(To the audience)
ohgodohgodohgod, why are people still standing around?? I could make a run for it if everyone could just look away for a minute.

NICKY: Just shit already.
(To the audience)
Iā€™m going to put a turd in their pillow just to fuck with them.

ALEX: Okay, Iā€™m pretty sure thatā€™s a crime.

NICKY: Pfft! I ainā€™t here to get paroled!
(To the audience)
Ainā€™t no such thing as bad publicity, but snitches get stitches.

ALEX: Thatā€™s literally a camera! Youā€™re snitching on yourself!
(To Ash)
And if you really have to go to the bathroom, we can all just look away.

ASH: Yeah, Mieke!
(To the audience)
How did he know? Was I being that obvious? Oh-god, why-oh-why did I drink that Caramel Macchiato Extra Big Gulp?

MIEKE: Is okay, meals go to parasite first, then me.
(To the audience)
Come Shaknarshka, big parasite feast for all!

ALEX: What country are you even from?

MIEKE: It one you no can pronounce. Need fewer teeth. Winnemucca.

ALEX: This is crazy. Am I crazy?

JOEY: It messes up the edit to reply too directly to everybodyā€™s asides. You kinda have to just roll with it.
(To the audience)
I wish he would stop hitting on me. I should let him know I have standards.

ALEX: Hey! Wait, sorry. No response. Iā€™m new to this.

MIEKE: Is okay. I took long time to understand rules, too.
(To audience)
In home country, women wear bottoms.

NICKY: Pfft! I ainā€™t here to make you comfortable.
(To the audience)
Iā€™m here to fall in love..
(A single tear rolls down her cheek.)

(Suddenly, the lights go down.)

JOEY: Is someone unzipping??

ASH: Oh god, thatā€™s a number two!

NICKY: We all ate the same thing. What is wrong with your stomach???

(Lights Return. The toilet is befouled.)

ALEX: What just happened?

ASH: The lights are on motion detectors. Some people make it a habit to race to the toilet in those moments.
(To the audience. Sits down, frowning)
Darn it! I missed my window! ā€¦ andā€¦ Now itā€™s too late.

NICKY: It wasnā€™t me. I like taking my time to shit. Hell, Iā€™ll do it in front of you right now.
(To the audience)
Wouldnā€™t be the first time I shit to prove a point. Nobody is gonna tell me to close the door in My Own Damn House.

ALEX: If it wasnā€™t the person who needs to go to the bathroom and it wasnā€™t you, who was it? I just got here!

MIEKE: Not me. I must conserve mass for winter.
(To the audience)
Othersā€™ mass also. Good for fire. Bad for pillow. So-so gift.

JOEY: I guess weā€™ll never know.
(To the audience, smiling, winking)
Oh, we might have our suspicions. But thereā€™s no way to know for sure.

ALEX: It was very clearly you, Joey.

JOEY: (To the audience)
Okay, it was me. I just had to do something to push him awayā€¦
The sexual tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

ALEX: (Sighs)
Oh, all right.
(To the audience)
Everyone here is an idiot. Still. Joey wasnā€™t wrong about the sexual tension..