The Future Stone

CAST

• Oliver – 30s
• Jayna – 30s (and 50s)
• Diego – 30s
• Several nonspeaking roles

(Olive Garden. Lunchtime.)

JAYNA: Hey Oliver, guess what I have—— A future stone!

OLIVER: Whoa, Jayna! Did the old man put up a fight? Never mind, I don’t want to know. How many charges does it have left?

JAYNA: Thr– TWO! There’s exactly two charges left!

OLIVER: Oh wow, I’d better pull the fire alarm so that nobody bothers us!

JAYNA: Wait, do you want to do it now?

OLIVER: Not like that.. you know the Elder Gods cursed me down there.

JAYNA: No, I mean do you want to use the Future Stone right now?

OLIVER: Why not? It IS our anniversary.

JAYNA: Is it? Isn’t this when you said we’d finally let me try that new sexual position? “Missionary”?

OLIVER: But… uh– we have a future stone! We should use that!

JAYNA: Well, okay. But remember: you have to be very specific. You only have one glimpse at ten seconds of your true and authentic future. And it could be very mysterious. You would never know!

OLIVER: Jayna, you act like Future Stones aren’t very well understood in our world. Nobody in this room needs the finer points of our reality explained to them.

JAYNA: Right. Sorry.

OLIVER: Do you know what moment you want to glimpse?

JAYNA: Sure… How about… New Year’s moment, 2050?

JAYNA & OLIVER: Oh, Future Stone. Give us a glimpse of the future we are to own!

(Lights go dark. From stage right enter a ghost, Dracula, a hunter with a musket, and a person crouching on all fours pretending to be a cat. JAYNA runs over to join them, becoming ELDER JAYNA.)

EVERYONE: 4, 3, 2, 1, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

(Everyone cheers, but immediately afterward, they get in their most menacing poses and attempt to kill each other. Lights go dark again and JAYNA races back to OLIVER.)

OLIVER: Whoa, what the hell was that? Where was I??

JAYNA: Maybe you were in the bathroom?

OLIVER: On New Year’s Moment??

JAYNA: I bet you had too many clams again.
(Beat)
What moment do you want to glimpse?

OLIVER: Hmmmm… Okay, what if… hear me out. I think I’m going to ask my best friend Diego make a ten-second documentary of the rest of my life. THEN, we’ll schedule it so that it’s projected on… my tombstone! At exactly midnight of my birthday in the year 2100.

(Oliver takes out his phone and begins texting.)

JAYNA: I don’t think you should rely on Diego for that. You know he was the reason the Girl Scouts started hunting in packs.

OLIVER: No, Diego says he’s in. And he hasn’t let me down since I needed an alibi in that triple homicide.

JAYNA: Great, let’s do it!

OLIVER & JAYNA: Oh, Future Rock, Show us what future we have in stock!

(Lights go out. Eight seconds pass.)

DIEGO (V.O.): Oh, shit, I left the lens cap on!

DRACULA (V.O.): He vouldn’t have changed his life anyway, ah ah ah!

(Lights come back on.)

OLIVER: Dammit, Diego!

JAYNA: Why even go through with it if you got no actual footage?

OLIVER: Maybe he started sniffing glue again?

JAYNA: I was wondering why you’d chosen that date. It’s a New Moon. It would have been very dark.

OLIVER: How could you even know that??

JAYNA: It seemed like an obvious moment to choose, so I looked it up before I got here. I would have said something, but why spoil the fun?

OLIVER: Oh… I guess that makes sense… Dang. I wish the stone had another charge. I know exactly what moment I really would look at now.

JAYNA: (Looks guilty) Maybe we miscounted? Go ahead, let’s try again.

OLIVER: Okay, it’s exactly at eight p.m. on Valentine’s Day next year.

JAYNA & OLIVER: Oh Future Pebble, show us the future in which we are to Revel!

(Lights go out. Oliver and Jayna move to another part of the stage. Oliver is on one knee.)

FUTURE OLIVER: So… will you marry me?

FUTURE JAYNA: Oof. I thought I’d have a better response by now… maybe you should get tested–

(Just then, a person crouching pretending to be a cat skulks out. Future Jayna shoots him a look and shoos him away. Lights come back on. Oliver looks dejected.)

JAYNA: … I mean, you really should have seen that coming even without the Future Stone. Why were you proposing at the bar of the Olive Garden?