Not Even Hiding It

CAST

• Jayna – 30s
• Maya – 30s
• Oliver – 30s

(At a coffeeshop. Jayna removes her sunglasses and scarf. Maya is annoyed.)

JAYNA: I know what you’re thinking, Maya. But it’s not what it looks like.

MAYA: It LOOKS like you’re cheating on Oliver, Jayna. A lot. My boyfriend says he’s seen you on Onlyfans, Grindr, Scruff, Feeld, Farmer’s Only, and the free section of Craigslist. Do you care to explain that?

JAYNA: … Okay, I’ll bite. I’m pretty sure your boyfriend might be gay. And cheating on you. In weird ways.

MAYA: No, his friend Ennis forwarded him your profile. He just had those tabs open for research.

JAYNA: … and how does Ennis know who I am?

MAYA: (Beat)
… this isn’t about that, Jayna! This is about you cheating on Oliver and not even hiding it!

JAYNA: I’m not! I’m just doing research! I just wanted to see if I could get anybody more attractive. I’m not planning on doing anything with them any time soon!

MAYA: (Skeptical) Are you really trying to tell me you’re… NOT cheating on Oliver?

JAYNA: No!

MAYA: Hand and mouth stuff count, too.

JAYNA: (Eyes Maya suspiciously)
… what about foot stuff?

MAYA: Socks on or off?

JAYNA: Off.

MAYA: That’s cheating!

JAYNA: Damn!

MAYA: And you’re not even hiding it! My boyfriend even had to get a burner phone because of how many notifications your profile was giving him.

JAYNA: … I’m just going to ignore that. But you might want to do some serious thinking about him soon.

MAYA: It’s just not fair to Oliver. He would never cheat on you!
(Same time)

         JAYNA                    MAYA
    Because nobody else        And not just because nobody
    likes him.                 else likes him!

JAYNA: Listen, I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he thinks the relationship is going great! And I really don’t want to hurt his feelings while he’s still paying off my student loans.

MAYA: You guys have been dating for five years and you don’t even care! You guys have a wedding date! He even saved three-years salary to buy you that engagement ring!

JAYNA: Yeah, that was annoying. I told him I just wanted the cash equivalent, rounded up.
(Maya’s mouth is agape)
I just figured it would save time.

MAYA: You’ve got to tell him. Or he’ll never speak to you again… and you’ll never see Mr. Snugglefluff again.
(This affects Jayna.)

JAYNA: Oh my god. You’re right… I didn’t even think about our stuffed animals… I’ve been a monster. What should I do? Should I stop?

MAYA: Yes!

JAYNA: Okay. But what ELSE can I do?

MAYA: Stop being so egregious about it! You’re not even trying to hide that you’re cheating!

JAYNA: How are you angry about that? Would it be better if I WERE hiding it? Wouldn’t it just hurt his feelings more if he were to find out?

MAYA: Every person in Oliver’s life has blatantly betrayed him. Even that Nigerian prince stopped returning his emails once he saw his credit score!
Oliver needs someone that respects him enough to lie to him.

JAYNA: So… you’re telling me that either I should either hide my online activity better or stop it?

MAYA: Or tell him!

JAYNA: Oh… all right!

(Takes out her phone. As if texting)

“I need to find some space to work on my career. It’s not you, it’s that I’m not IN love with you… We want different people… you deserve to spend some time alone… I think we’re better off as strangers.
P.S. I’ll leave your stuff by the trash on collection day. Please find a new address before November. Go Jill Stein!” There! Done!

(Shows her phone triumphantly.)

MAYA: Huh. It really seemed like you were TYPING all of that instead of just recording a voice message.

(Oliver steps onto the stage.)

MAYA: Oliver! What are you doing here??

OLIVER: I work here. You guys sat in my section. I served you. You gave me a 2 percent tip!
(Same time)

         MAYA                    JAYNA
       Oof, sorry...              Yeah, I knew it.

OLIVER: Um.. So. Can I just… go get my stuff from my mom’s house now?

JAYNA: No. You’d better not. I already set up a live stream for when I get back.