Magic Mushrooms

CAST

• Turdfeather – 50s
• Hubcap – 30s
• Alex – 20s

(Turdfeather, Hubcap, and Alex are at Burning Man. Alex has just biked back, wet, dirty, grimy, and excited.)

ALEX: You guys! You guys!! I found some magic mushrooms

(Alex hands the mushrooms out to the other two camp members.)

TURDFEATHER: You didn’t get these from the Frat camp, right? On a scale of one to ten, how roofied do you feel right now?

ALEX: No, I got it from the mystical Romani camp that only appears when you really, really need them!

HUBCAP: No, those guys are two camps down. I think you might just be bad at directions.

ALEX: They said these would grant you your deepest, darkest power. Until they wear off, of course.

TURDFEATHER: Oh, THESE! These are great. Last year, I had them then ate a whole jar of peanut butter. It was awesome. I didn’t go into anaphylactic shock until WELL AFTER I’d come down.

HUBCAP: I’ve heard of these! Should I be worried? I’m not sure I want my deepest, darkest desire to come true, even for a short while..

TURDFEATHER: It’s okay, it’s not actually your deepest, darkest desire. It’s whatever desires you’re thinking about. Just close your eyes and try not to think that you’re always at most one sentence away from permanently alienating even the people who love you the most.

(Hubcap looks shocked.)

ALEX: It’s cool! The guy who gave them to me said he was wishing to be clean, and just THEN: it started raining!

HUBCAP: That’s weird.. It didn’t rain here. He didn’t happen to be next to the competitive urination art car, right?

ALEX: (Beat) Uhh… let’s eat some!

(They all start eating some.)

HUBCAP: (In a Scottish brogue)
Sha we be feelin’ them soon then?

ALEX: Oh my god! You’re already speaking in your ideal accent! It worked! I wonder what happened to me?

HUBCAP: (Still Scottish) I canae believe this wis my deepest darkest desire. Whit aboot fixin’ ma diabetes?

(Turdfeather runs off stage, then runs back onstage.)

TURDFEATHER: Oh my gosh! You guys, I just traveled back in time and fixed all of my many, many mistakes!

(Turdfeather pauses. Contemplates. Then leaves.)

HUBCAP: (Still Scottish)
Ah’d ‘a thought Ah’d’ve liked tae talk wi’ ma pa’. He passed awa’ afore he said wher ‘e hid ma life savings.

ALEX: At least you got a power. I’m wondering if my cap was bunk!
Wait… Maybe I’m super strong?
(Attempts to crush an aluminum can)
Ow, I think I broke my thumb.

(Turdfeather returns.)

TURDFEATHER: (Exhausted) I know you guys don’t remember it in this timeline, but I just stopped 9/12. It was really, really bad. They destroyed the THREE towers!

HUBCAP: Aw, now THAT looks like a proper power, aye. (Checking his underpants) Meanwhile, I wish I’da erased ma rash. Is just gettin’ worse by the mini’t.

(Turdfeather has an idea and leaves.)

ALEX: Maybe I can teleport? (Concentrates) Oh, god. I think I pooped myself again…

(Turdfeather returns.)

TURDFEATHER: I would have killed baby Hitler, but I just couldn’t get myself to kill a baby. I did have him circumsized, though..

(Turdfeather leaves)

HUBCAP: I’d hae even taken some psychological closure as a wish, aye. I still dinnae why ma ex-wife buried me alive while she ran aff wi’ her pedicurist?

ALEX: (Concentrating) … I can’t read minds either. What is going on??

HUBCAP: At least ye can blether normally. Meanwhile, ma Siri’s blown to bits.

(Turdfeather returns.)

TURDFEATHER: Okay, I’m back. I restored the timeline. It’s the only one in which the McRib keeps coming back.

ALEX: I think I can feel it now! My arm is tingling. Are you guys feeling that?

TURDFEATHER: Um… no?

HUBCAP: Nae, mate.

ALEX: (Slowing down) Yeah! I’m feeling it! Does anyone else smell burnt toast? And a unilateral weakness across your body?

(Lights.)