Magic Mushrooms

close-up photo of multicolored bicycle

CAST

  • Turdfeather ā€“ 50s
  • Hubcap – 30s
  • Alex – 20s

(Turdfeather, Hubcap, and Alex are at Burning Man. Alex has just biked back, wet, dirty, grimy, and excited.)

ALEX: You guys! You guys!! I found some magic mushrooms

(Alex hands the mushrooms out to the other two camp members.)

TURDFEATHER: You didnā€™t get these from the Frat camp, right? On a scale of one to ten, how roofied do you feel right now?

ALEX: No, I got it from the mystical Romani camp that only appears when you really, really need them!

HUBCAP: No, those guys are two camps down. I think you might just be bad at directions.

ALEX: They said these would grant you your deepest, darkest power. Until they wear off, of course.

TURDFEATHER: Oh, THESE! These are great. Last year, I had them then ate a whole jar of peanut butter. It was awesome. I didnā€™t go into anaphylactic shock until WELL AFTER Iā€™d come down.

HUBCAP: Iā€™ve heard of these! Should I be worried? Iā€™m not sure I want my deepest, darkest desire to come true, even for a short while..

TURDFEATHER: Itā€™s okay, itā€™s not actually your deepest, darkest desire. Itā€™s whatever desires youā€™re thinking about. Just close your eyes and try not to think that youā€™re always at most one sentence away from permanently alienating even the people who love you the most.

(Hubcap looks shocked.)

ALEX: Itā€™s cool! The guy who gave them to me said he was wishing to be clean, and just THEN: it started raining!

HUBCAP: Thatā€™s weird.. It didnā€™t rain here. He didnā€™t happen to be next to the competitive urination art car, right?

ALEX: (Beat) Uhhā€¦ letā€™s eat some!

(They all start eating some.)

HUBCAP: (In a Scottish brogue)
Sha we be feelinā€™ them soon then?

ALEX: Oh my god! Youā€™re already speaking in your ideal accent! It worked! I wonder what happened to me?

HUBCAP: (Still Scottish) I canae believe this wis my deepest darkest desire. Whit aboot fixinā€™ ma diabetes?

(Turdfeather runs off stage, then runs back onstage.)

TURDFEATHER: Oh my gosh! You guys, I just traveled back in time and fixed all of my many, many mistakes!

(Turdfeather pauses. Contemplates. Then leaves.)

HUBCAP: (Still Scottish)
Ahā€™d ā€˜a thought Ahā€™dā€™ve liked tae talk wiā€™ ma paā€™. He passed awaā€™ afore he said wher ā€˜e hid ma life savings.

ALEX: At least you got a power. Iā€™m wondering if my cap was bunk!
Waitā€¦ Maybe Iā€™m super strong?
(Attempts to crush an aluminum can)
Ow, I think I broke my thumb.

(Turdfeather returns.)

TURDFEATHER: (Exhausted) I know you guys donā€™t remember it in this timeline, but I just stopped 9/12. It was really, really bad. They destroyed the THREE towers!

HUBCAP: Aw, now THAT looks like a proper power, aye. (Checking his underpants) Meanwhile, I wish Iā€™da erased ma rash. Is just gettin’ worse by the miniā€™t.

(Turdfeather has an idea and leaves.)

ALEX: Maybe I can teleport? (Concentrates) Oh, god. I think I pooped myself againā€¦

(Turdfeather returns.)

TURDFEATHER: I would have killed baby Hitler, but I just couldnā€™t get myself to kill a baby. I did have him circumsized, though..

(Turdfeather leaves)

HUBCAP: Iā€™d hae even taken some psychological closure as a wish, aye. I still dinnae why ma ex-wife buried me alive while she ran aff wiā€™ her pedicurist?

ALEX: (Concentrating) ā€¦ I canā€™t read minds either. What is going on??

HUBCAP: At least ye can blether normally. Meanwhile, ma Siriā€™s blown to bits.

(Turdfeather returns.)

TURDFEATHER: Okay, Iā€™m back. I restored the timeline. Itā€™s the only one in which the McRib keeps coming back.

ALEX: I think I can feel it now! My arm is tingling. Are you guys feeling that?

TURDFEATHER: Umā€¦ no?

HUBCAP: Nae, mate.

ALEX: (Slowing down) Yeah! Iā€™m feeling it! Does anyone else smell burnt toast? And a unilateral weakness across your body?

(Lights.)