CAST
- Turdfeather ā 50s
- Hubcap – 30s
- Alex – 20s
(Turdfeather, Hubcap, and Alex are at Burning Man. Alex has just biked back, wet, dirty, grimy, and excited.)
ALEX: You guys! You guys!! I found some magic mushrooms
(Alex hands the mushrooms out to the other two camp members.)
TURDFEATHER: You didnāt get these from the Frat camp, right? On a scale of one to ten, how roofied do you feel right now?
ALEX: No, I got it from the mystical Romani camp that only appears when you really, really need them!
HUBCAP: No, those guys are two camps down. I think you might just be bad at directions.
ALEX: They said these would grant you your deepest, darkest power. Until they wear off, of course.
TURDFEATHER: Oh, THESE! These are great. Last year, I had them then ate a whole jar of peanut butter. It was awesome. I didnāt go into anaphylactic shock until WELL AFTER Iād come down.
HUBCAP: Iāve heard of these! Should I be worried? Iām not sure I want my deepest, darkest desire to come true, even for a short while..
TURDFEATHER: Itās okay, itās not actually your deepest, darkest desire. Itās whatever desires youāre thinking about. Just close your eyes and try not to think that youāre always at most one sentence away from permanently alienating even the people who love you the most.
(Hubcap looks shocked.)
ALEX: Itās cool! The guy who gave them to me said he was wishing to be clean, and just THEN: it started raining!
HUBCAP: Thatās weird.. It didnāt rain here. He didnāt happen to be next to the competitive urination art car, right?
ALEX: (Beat) Uhhā¦ letās eat some!
(They all start eating some.)
HUBCAP: (In a Scottish brogue)
Sha we be feelinā them soon then?
ALEX: Oh my god! Youāre already speaking in your ideal accent! It worked! I wonder what happened to me?
HUBCAP: (Still Scottish) I canae believe this wis my deepest darkest desire. Whit aboot fixinā ma diabetes?
(Turdfeather runs off stage, then runs back onstage.)
TURDFEATHER: Oh my gosh! You guys, I just traveled back in time and fixed all of my many, many mistakes!
(Turdfeather pauses. Contemplates. Then leaves.)
HUBCAP: (Still Scottish)
Ahād āa thought Ahādāve liked tae talk wiā ma paā. He passed awaā afore he said wher āe hid ma life savings.
ALEX: At least you got a power. Iām wondering if my cap was bunk!
Waitā¦ Maybe Iām super strong?
(Attempts to crush an aluminum can)
Ow, I think I broke my thumb.
(Turdfeather returns.)
TURDFEATHER: (Exhausted) I know you guys donāt remember it in this timeline, but I just stopped 9/12. It was really, really bad. They destroyed the THREE towers!
HUBCAP: Aw, now THAT looks like a proper power, aye. (Checking his underpants) Meanwhile, I wish Iāda erased ma rash. Is just gettin’ worse by the miniāt.
(Turdfeather has an idea and leaves.)
ALEX: Maybe I can teleport? (Concentrates) Oh, god. I think I pooped myself againā¦
(Turdfeather returns.)
TURDFEATHER: I would have killed baby Hitler, but I just couldnāt get myself to kill a baby. I did have him circumsized, though..
(Turdfeather leaves)
HUBCAP: Iād hae even taken some psychological closure as a wish, aye. I still dinnae why ma ex-wife buried me alive while she ran aff wiā her pedicurist?
ALEX: (Concentrating) ā¦ I canāt read minds either. What is going on??
HUBCAP: At least ye can blether normally. Meanwhile, ma Siriās blown to bits.
(Turdfeather returns.)
TURDFEATHER: Okay, Iām back. I restored the timeline. Itās the only one in which the McRib keeps coming back.
ALEX: I think I can feel it now! My arm is tingling. Are you guys feeling that?
TURDFEATHER: Umā¦ no?
HUBCAP: Nae, mate.
ALEX: (Slowing down) Yeah! Iām feeling it! Does anyone else smell burnt toast? And a unilateral weakness across your body?
(Lights.)
Ironically, he didn't see it coming.