How to ruin a sure thing

I haven’t been on a date with a new person in a few years, but I started this draft in 2012 and I’m pretty sure I still know how to finish it.

• Can we wrap this up soon? My mom wants me home by eight.
• Do you mind if my ex-wife comes to dinner with us? She wants to approve everyone I date.
• Sorry I keep going to the restroom, I have explosive diarrhea… it’s chronic.
• I like to go to parks and watch children playing. They’re so excited that it’s relaxing to me. I really find them relaxing and exotic.
• I only date chicks that do anal.
• Yes, we’ll have the merlot… wait, do you put out on the first date? No, I didn’t think so. No, we’ll just have water then.
• I made the reservations in your name because I didn’t want them to spit in our food after the scene I made here last time.
• Wow, I must really like you: my HerpeAIDS is flaring up more than usual.
• I’m not unemployed because I’m an ex-con, I’m unemployed because I don’t mind being on welfare.
• So… how do you feel about polygamy?
• You wanna go out again? This is really going to make my wife jealous.
• You know, vertical stripes would make you look less fat.
• Do you mind if we go back to your place? I owe my dealer a lot of money.