Listicles
Lists are ways of organizing thoughts. Some thoughts work better this way. For instance, groceries:
Eggs, milk, butter, cheese, prostitutes.
Why I wish I were one of quintuplets
Help teach object lesson in cloning Perfectly choreographed rock-paper-scissors competitions Road trips are always a blast Nobody would be able to trust eyewitness accounts fingering me at the scene of the crime anymore Finally get honest feedback into how my singing really sounds If I was ever jumped by quadruplets, I’d have the upper hand…
Top 10 Amendments
First1 Lots of stuff going on here. Speech, press, protest, petition, religion? Awesome. Leave some for the other amendments! Thirteenth2 Oh man, solving the Original Sin of the Republic? This is the *baptism* of amendments. Good job, Lincoln! Nineteeth3 Seriously? It took 130 years to give half the country the right to vote? We decided…
Things I did not understand before living in the cold, cold north
Scarves Pajamas Evening showers Boots Winter tires Wind chill The weather as a conversation topic Seasonal SADness Salt Slush Wintry mix Despair
Things Ruined Forever by Hitler
The Hitler Mustache The Hitler Fanny Pack Goose Stepping The initials S.S. Vegetarianism That salute (makes hailing cabs more difficult… unless you want a particular kind of cabbie, I suppose) The name Adolf The names Bdolf to Zdolf The Swastika Loving Dogs The writings of Nietzsche Comparing people to Genghis Khan in Internet debates Bunkers…
Seven unexpected benefits of weighing over 400 lbs.
Given the recent popularity of listicles (which we were into before they were cool), instead of just making unordered lists, we’re going to start numbering items on our lists. Obviously, this is a ploy. Equally obviously, it affects none of the content. Read on! You will never lose a game of see-saw again. Deadly poisons…
Things Other People Know Better Than You
No matter how old you get, you will never know some things about yourself better than a stranger. For example: The sound of your voice Your gait How you look from behind How funny/original you really are What you wrote in their yearbook What other people think/say about you Whether you are loved.
How to ruin a sure thing
I haven’t been on a date with a new person in a few years, but I started this draft in 2012 and I’m pretty sure I still know how to finish it. Can we wrap this up soon? My mom wants me home by eight. Do you mind if my ex-wife comes to dinner with…
He’s the Least Interesting Man in the World
He thinks ketchup is too spicy The army is designing their next form of camouflage after him He thinks the missionary position is scandalous He is the character in the horror movie that dies off camera His sexual interests and favorite ice cream flavor are both vanilla His favorite shape is square His favorite soup…
Ironically, he didn't see it coming.